Am I invisible?

Is there some undefinable thing about me that hides me from site, even on the Internet? Maybe I should explain.....

I'm one of those people who can scream in a crowded room, and no one will hear me. Not even turn their heads. Ok, so I haven't actually done that, so it's only a hypothesis, but I'm pretty sure it would happen exactly like that.
It seems to be the same on the Net. I post something on a forum about the fact that my fiancée just lost his job, and we may lose our home if we can't find another job in this god forsaken town. Someone else posts that their car broke down at night. Who gets patterns gifted to them? The chick who got stranded.
(Please don't think that I'm really selfish.....I don't hold anything against anyone for such a petty reason, but this is my space to explore my feelings and try to make sense of them, so please don't judge me......please?)
I post a wishlist in a RAK group, saying that I pretty much have nothing right now and that I need some help with at least some yarn, and I get nothing. But I look through that thread at everyone else and they've edited their posts, thanking everyone for their gifts. My post seems to be the only one.....Is it because i honestly have nothing relevant to sya in any of the other threads in that group? Is it because I'm wearing black lipstick in my avi pic, even though you can't possibly see that its black but it's a dark color and that means I'm a bad person and un-gift-worthy?
Whats wrong with me? What do I do that makes everyone shun me........I just want friends, people to talk to and care about and not feel self conscious about.......I have a few, but I can never just let myself relax and actually believe that there are people out there who give a damn, and they don't have to respond to every single status on FB, or read my blog and comment, or respond to my post on another site I'm on to show me that they are my friends........

I understand that I am not that interesting. I'm not that pretty, or clever, or smart. I'm not really funny to anyone but my fiance, but thats because i make random meowing sounds that he finds cute........What do I have to do? Who do I have to be to not feel like everyone hates me........I just want to be myself, and I've resolved myself to the fact that I can't be anything other than that, but am I that unbearable?

Hopefully there will come a time when I can look back on this post and laugh at myself. Hopefully when I have people that actually look forward to me posting something, or blogging about some random topic. Sometime when I at least have followers on my blogs, and people who comment.
Or, at the very least, maybe I can look back on this post later and understand my own feelings better........

@#$% Computers!!!!!!!

We had to wipe our system, again. Which led to much fussing and grumbling and wolfy hubby threatening to hunt down the jackass who paced the virus into our system and forced us to redo the operating system, yet again (he didn't, that's a normal threat for him. If it pisses him off sufficiently, he wants to destroy it. >.>)
We finally got all the drivers and update and whatnot installed and running. But (there's always a but, isn't there....) Firefox (my fave browser) won't work, so I'm using Chrome, which doesn't necessarily suck, but isn't my first choice either. Oh, and the web cam keeps saying 'Please turn camera on.'
THE CAMERA IS ON  AJHSGDKJHGAKJSHDGKAJHDKJGDJSHFGEYWIOIUEOQHJK!!!!!!!!!

*deep breath* Ok, I feel better now......I was going to post pics of the Solomon's Knot shawl that I'm making, but now I can't, because of aforementioned webcam craptastrophe. Please forgive my ragefullness, I is hungry and grumpy.

On a better note, I've finally learned how to do a Solomon's Knot, as mentioned above. It's one of those stitches that I kept taking sidelong glances at and promising myself that I'd learned to do....someday. Well, someday has come, and I will soon have knotty shawly goodness to wrap around my shoulders. Now I just have to figure out why the fuck my webcam won't work........

Mroww!

Bah Humbug!

Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel right now. Complete with earsplitting yowling, and general grumpiness. It doesn't help that I'm having those really annoying pre-menstrual cramps.......

No tree, no happy gift giving, no sparklies....All because of a jackass who was having a bad day and fired my fiance for a bullshit reason. Yeah, I could go ahead and celebrate, but the only thing I plan on doing is celebrating the solstice. The world will not fall down around me if I don't celebrate Yulies completely (even though I was really looking forward to it....)

Ugh. All I really wanted was some goddamn knitting needles, and I likely won't even get that. I'm still on the fence about whether I can complete my Secret Santa.....And I was really excited about that. But, as usual, things get shaky right when I actually try to have some sort of social life, even if it is just an online one. I fail, yet again.

On a happier note, I might be selling stuff soon. There's a local consignment shop that will sell handmade goodies, so I'm making up some small stuff to test the waters here. Mostly little bags, maybe some handwarmers and scrunchies. Just f that won't take that much yarn, and will give me a feel of how things will run. If it pulls in at least a little bit of money, I'll be happy.

Yeah, things aren't going so great right now.
Josh just got fired (Josh is my fiance, who I am living with) after some shit went down that we thought was already talked about and ok. Obviously, it wasn't. Due to a throbbing headache, that would undoubtedly get ten times worse if I tried to explain it, I won't go into mush more detail.....Now I have one day to get a scarf for him, and a cowl for me, and hopefully warm hats crocheted up before we hit the town Monday to look for work. Yeah, my fingers are gonna hate me........
I feel like this is my fault. I should have looked harder for a job, I should have made stuff to sell, so on and so forth. Josh would smack me if he heard me talking like that, he hates it when I put myself down, but I truly feel it's my fault. I honestly could have tried harder, and I didn't. I could make excuses,  but what good would that do? I wouldn't learn. Hopefully the lesson will stick this time.

First post, yay!

I want to post about something important to me, so here goes:
Tha basics of my beliefs.


1: Always strive to learn and grow in everything that you do. it does not matter if others admire you, or respect you, only that you admire and respect yourself. That is the only way you can truly become someone you are proud of.

2: Don't be dragged down by the will of others. There are times when you must cater to others, to keep a job or to avoid needless drama. Just be sure that you are doing it because of a conscious decision on your part to concede, even for a short time. Never be forced to do anything that you do not decide your damn self to do.

3: Do not ignore the little dark voice inside you. Do not always give into it either. Those little dark desires cannot be controlled and channeled if ignored and oppressed. Instead acknowledge them, and make the conscious decision to control it. If not, they can and will rear their ugly heads at the most inopportune times.

4: Be careful what you say and do in anger or unrest, especially if you are a witch or of similiar persuasion. Words and emotions have power, and can spin out of control if not acknowledged and controlled. If you wish something, do it deliberately, with ful knowledge that your words, thoughts and emotions can bring about profound change. The same goes for ill wishing. Be careful and mindful always.

5: There is a distinct difference between being immature and being childlike. Immaturity is acting as though you should get what you desire with little or no effort on your part, much like a small child would. If an immature person doesn't get what they want, they resort to name calling, passive aggressive behavior, and often violence. That is but one definition, but that is the one that annoys me the most. Being childlike is taking the time to enjoy a special treat, or laughing just for the sake of laughing. It means to play as though you were innocent and without stress and pressure. That is one of the single most wonderful balms for the soul, and if we all practiced being childlike, this world would be a much better place.

6: Every person is different. That which works wonders for one person may not work the same for another. Take this into mind when asking for and giving advice, and take all that is said with a grain of salt. on that same note, do not disregard what someone has suggested, even if you've tried it before and it didn't work. Unless there were very bad results, try again, because things can change with time.

7: An' ye harm none, do what ye will. This phrase has different meanings for different people. To me it means to not willfully harm another being unless you have due cause.  One cannot go through this world worried about stepping on others toes, or hurting their feelings. And the time may come when you must fight for your beliefs, your family, and you friends. But until that time comes, know that mindless violence and meanness rarely, if ever, brings any good to those involved. This is more so to those that know their actions can and will ripple out from them as ripples in a pond.


8: Honor your own code. The maxims above are mine, the ones i have set for myself. That does not mean that everyone can follow them, even I have trouble at times. But as long as you have set some standards for yourself, and follow them as best you can, even changing them to suit the changes you have gone through, you can live a life you can be proud of. That is, in my opinion, the highest thing that someone can strive for.


Blessed be, and may the moon always light your path.